Q: SalPal
PAX: Detective Pikachu, Hair Band, Avalanche, bluemule, Pep, Barry Lee, Salami, The Merchant, greyalbum, Sherlock, Planter
FNGs: 1 Planter
COUNT: 12
CONDITIONS: Ripe for Adventure
WARMUP: Quick mosey + dice burpees.
THE THANG: Buckle in. Bold + Italics = critical path through workout.
Your party has answered the call to slay Nashvillia, the evil goddess of woo girls, beer bikes, and unsavory public behavior. She is a powerful deity, so you will have to acquire mighty artifacts and magicks to slay her.
Your path takes you through the Forest of Sir Bearington, a sentient bear with no love for humans. The party druid disguises everyone as rabbits to help avoid detection. Broad jumps!
You arrive to the blacksmith to decide on your weapon, and in doing so, prove yourself worthy to wield it. Do you choose:
1. Realmbreaker, The Legendary Greathammer of the Dwarf King Ulush? – 5 minutes, 11 burpees EMOM
2. Heartseeker, The Mythical Bow of the Unspeakable Hunter, Garog? – 5 minutes of suicides, EMOM
3. The Whisper, The Unassuming Dagger, Which Grants Invisibility? – 5 minutes of isometric merkins
You decide to take your new weapon out for a spin and gain some sweet sweet experience points. You find a nearby cave and stumble upon:
1 – an arch-lich, its eyes burning with hatred as it attempts to consume your soul. 15 Burpees! 15 Lt. Dans!
2 – a mind flayer and a legion of intellect devourers. 15 burpees! 10 Lt. Dans!
3 – an enraged earth elemental. 15 burpees! 5 Lt. Dans!
4 – a pack of hobgoblins. 15 burpees!
5 – a few goblins. 10 burpees!
6 – a single rat. 5 burpees!
Might alone will not slay the goddess; you need magic. Duh. An archmage has lent you his spellbook, but you only have time to learn 1 spell. You decide on:
Fireball – Ring of Fire
Lightning Bolt – Catch Me If You Can Burpees
Snow Storm – Howler Monkeys
Finally prepared, you slip into the grand throne of Nashvillia. You find the temple fortress surrounded by beer-drinking valkyries screaming “Party in the US” and throwing cans at attempted intruders. You opt for:
1. Outright Violence: Burpee-Jumps to the half field and back
2. Stealth. Bear Crawl around Parthenon
You make your way to the grand throne room, and find Nashvillia waiting for you! This is the final assault. Your options:
1. Charge blindly ahead: Field-Long Boo Boo Bear Crawls
2. Work together with the party in a coordinated attack: DORA, 100 Lt. Dan’s.
Nashvillia, weakened by your attack, transforms into her final form: a terrible pink dragon with the words “Venmo for drinks” etched in its side. This is your last chance! You:
1. You realize that your strength lies in friendship, and you move as one, shoulder to shoulder with men you have learned to call brothers: 10 Booyah Merkins, 10 Hi-Five Jump Squats, 3 sets
2. You make a heroic last stand, staring death in the eye as you shoulder the responsibility of defeating this fiend, even at the cost of your own life: 10 Worlds Worst Merkins
At the very end of every adventure, there is a lesson. You discover:
1. The demons you face, and strength to conquer them, come from within you, and that life is the struggle to overcome the darkness in men.
2. Glory comes from not just the stories we tell, but the comrades that can share in those legends.
Either way, 10 burpee buyout.
MOLESKINE: Don’t take things too seriously. Have fun with the hard things. Make every day an adventure
ANNOUNCEMENTS: Hunger Games, Sooie Party, Brew Ruck, Night Movez, Run around the Castle (GEODIS). See Slack for more.
COT: Prayers of gratitude for progress with adoption process for Grey Album. All other intentions spoken and unspoken.