Date: 2026-10-02 AO: Pain Train Q: Sooie , PAX: Bulldog, Half Lyfe, Siri, Roadkill, Derby, Sooie, Kiwi, INCHWORM, Shakira, Argggg, Paper Trail, Uh Oh FNGs: 1 Uh Oh COUNT: 12 CONDITIONS: SOLID: not as cool as before, but decent beatdown weather
WARMUP: Before the first exercise could commence, our plans were temporarily thwarted when a local denizen had laid claim to our tables, delaying the inevitable furniture-based foolishness that would eventually come to pass. We proceeded with the warmup anyway…but Hark! What was this sonorous tone gliding gently into our ear canals? Was this the melodious humming of a choir of angels? Nay! ‘Twas the dulcet tones emanating from Roadkill ‘s new whip, a beautiful electric cargo van, whose friendly exterior seemed to say both “I have your delivery” and “Hey kid, you wanna push pop?” The warmup continued until YHC announced KNERKINS, prompting an immediate cry from the ranks: “ON THE ASPHALT?!?” The dissenter was chastised, the knerkins were performed, and the PAX was reminded that questioning the Q is rarely a productive endeavor.
THE THANG: 1 of 4 — Half Mile Hang We then moseyed to the pull-up bars for the Half Mile Hang, splitting into two groups, with one group running a quarter-mile lap while the other performed hanging knee raises before switching. Two rounds each meant half a mile of running and plenty of time hanging from the bars, with ten Lieutenant Dans levied against anyone unfortunate enough to surrender to gravity.
2 of 4: Chill Hill >From there we headed to Chill Hill for 11’s, beginning with one Mountain Climber at the bottom, followed by a Politician to the crown of the hill for ten Merkins, then a mosey back down. The reps shifted until we reached ten Mountain Climbers and one Merkin, with the downhill running and backwards uphill Politician combining to make a surprisingly effective method of reducing the PAX to a collection of heavily breathing quadriceps. All were sufficiently gassed by the end, Kiwi may or may not have suffered some groinal distress, and our FNG, Uh Oh, Politicianed up the hill like a seasoned swamp monster despite having no reasonable expectation of knowing what he had gotten himself into.
3 of 4: TABLE CARRY!!! We then formed an Indian Run to reclaim the tables, divided back into our original groups, and briefly introduced confusion when YHC forgot which group I belonged to. Order was eventually restored, and two tables were carried from the gazebo to the stage and back while the rest of the PAX followed in a train of walking lunges. As each front carrier tired, he moved to the back and everyone shifted forward, ensuring that the burden circulated appropriately. Miraculously, no injuries were sustained during this portion of the morning, which may be the strongest evidence yet that Pain Train occasionally looks after its own.
4 of 4: Descending(?) DIDs With time running short, we finished with DIDs: five Derkins, five Irkins, and five Dips, then four of each, then three, two, and one. There was some initial confusion regarding what it meant to “count down from 5,” requiring a brief clarification that the numbers were, in fact, supposed to decrease.
MOLESKINE: The workout was then complete, and our FNG received his name, Uh Oh, after recounting that those were the final words he heard from his doctor immediately before being anesthetized for a precarious procedure. A name forged in medical anxiety seemed entirely appropriate for a man who had just survived his first Pain Train.
ANNOUNCEMENTS: GRUESOME NEWSOME!!! T-claps to Half Lyfe, Hair Band, INCHWORM for making it happen.
COT: Prayers lifted. Coffee downed.
