Date: 2026-07-31 AO: Pain Train Q: Sooie , PAX: Sooie, El Capitan, Derby, Roadkill, Cheeks, Half Lyfe, FLO, Pebbles FNGs: None COUNT: 8 CONDITIONS: Six(ty)-Seven degrees. After days of oppressive heat and humidity, it felt downright glorious despite the lingering 89% humidity. A waning gibbous moon still lingered in the western sky, front-row seat to the coming dawn as the eastern horizon slowly caught fire. Mother Nature, for once, appeared to be on our side.
WARMUP: YHC announced the time and location, delivered the customary disclaimer, and made no promises whatsoever, thereby ensuring none could later be broken. We opened with what is rapidly becoming a fan favorite: Hop on Your Balls™ Performed in cadence: – Feet shoulder-width apart x10 – Right foot forward x10 – Left foot forward x10 – Alternating feet x10 Then: – BAC x12 – BBAC x12 – Good Mornings x5 OYO – Willy Mays Hays x5 OYO
THE THANG: The PAX arrived remarkably well-rested, having spent the previous evening performing the noble ritual of refreshing Slack every few minutes while awaiting Roadkill’s inevitable HC. At 21:14, he finally made the correct decision and we were able to put our phones down and go to sleep. Having warmed up, we were primed and ready to proceed to the 9 Square Colosseum We Indian Ran toward the Colosseum but not before reminding Roadkill that the point of an Indian Run is not to sprint into another ZIP code every time one reaches the front. Upon arrival, YHC unveiled the masterpiece. Traverse the perimeter of the bars without touching the ground. At each corner: – Perform one merkin. Each completed lap: – Increase merkins by one. Each time you fall: – One Iron Mike. Maximum penalty: Five. Elegant. Simple. Perfect… For approximately thirty seconds. A few things became immediately clear: 1. The bars were covered in heavy condensation thus making grip impossible. 2. The weight of the PAX jostling the bars exponentially increased the likelihood that we would all be charged with vandalizing municipal property 3. Said condensation and diminished grip-ability, exponentially increased the likelihood of yet another injury on YHC’s rap sheet. One lap was enough. The Colosseum survived. Retreat was sounded.
AUDIBLE! With thirty minutes still remaining, YHC did what every respectable Q occasionally must: I chucked the plan out the window like so many sandbags of yore. Two teams. Four men each. Complete as a team: – 100 Merkins – 200 WWIIs – 300 Squats
One PAX continuously carried a sandbag fifteen yards out and back while the remaining teammates accumulated reps. Team El Capitan, Pebbles, Half Lyfe, and FLO secured a decisive victory.
And still…time remained.
TRAVEL WITH A COUPON We moseyed to the cairn of coupons, retrieving our trusty Cindys before lining up for a traveling coupon relay. The traveler selected an exercise. The remaining PAX performed AMRAP until he completed ten yards. Favorites included: – Coupon Lunges – Suitcase Carries It was here that one PAX (Roadkill? Cheeks?) officially upgraded the exercise formerly known as Alabama Prom Date into the far more accurate: Plus-Sized Prom Date. General laughter ensued. History was made.
BECAUSE APPARENTLY I HAVEN’T LEARNED ANYTHING YHC then made what can only be described as another career-defining judgment call: Block-Hold Broad Jumps. In retrospect…Questionable. Pebbles reached the finish line, promptly folded himself into the earth like an abandoned lawn chair, and spent a brief moment contemplating the sweet embrace of unconsciousness. Another mark was quietly added to YHC’s ever-growing rap sheet. Fortunately, after a brief systems reboot, Pebbles recovered. The workout concluded with: – Murder Bunnies x10 yards – Return coupons
MARY: Merkin Ring of Fire to 5 though none of us remember actually doing this.
MOLESKINE: Plans rarely survive first contact. Sometimes the best thing you can do is recognize reality and pivot accordingly relying on the judgement and expertise of those around you
ANNOUNCEMENTS: – CSAUP: Postponed TBD – Bellevue Hang 8/12
COT: Prayers lifted. FLO Joe enjoyed. No tables were harmed in this beatdown…yet I can’t help shake the feeling that somehow, I injured Juicy J with this workout…
PLAYLIST: Songs that make you want to check-in to rehab.
